The Children's Crusade >>

The Holy Lands are a magnet for pilgrims, prophets, kings, conquerors, and occasionally educated fools from the West. Some came in search of peace, while others like Saladin, Indiana Jones, Alexander, the Khans, and Richard the Lionhearted, all found Jerusalem to be irresistible (though the Mongols never fully reached it). Yet others like Roman politician Marcus Antonius (Mark Anthony) found Egypt to be a sand trap. So how does the Anointed One feel upon his disembarking? Can his charm save us in this unending saga of repentance?

Well, I would first like to begin by rant by giving a shout-out to all those people who place popularity above safety and justice, and who thought that Obama’s magical gestures would make bad things go away.  Yet as we see, Europe continues its rightward trend in denouncing the stimulus, Asia grinds its teeth in apprehension at our debt, the dollar is becoming a weak joke with no punch line, Chavez ridicules the United States for what he calls GM’s nationalization, and my friend Jason Valdes noted that Ayatolla Khomeini said the first useful thing that he has in years:

"People of the Middle East, the Muslim region, and North Africa - people of these regions - hate America from the bottom of their heart.”

"Even if they give sweet and beautiful talks to the Muslim nation ... that will not create a change," said Ayatollah Khomeini. "Nothing will change with speeches and slogans."

Well, based on the way the networks covered it all, you would think that Xerxes turned tail at the Hot Gates. And for all those Liberals out there who compare Christians and Republicans to the Taliban, touché! Because for a short interval of time and events, I Drake Dunaway, agree with the Grand Ayatollah on an issue. We also agree on oxygen being a good thing and that Adam Lambert should have won American Idol. Khomeini and I then parted ways, however, when he insisted on Adam’s execution thereafter.

To the Community Organizer’s credit, I think that his Cairo speech had to teeter on a very fine line when speaking to a hostile audience, not extolling democracy too loudly to a police statist like Hosni Mubarak, or deploring Middle-East violence too vociferously, yet still hinting at the change he promises.  His labeling of Mideast turmoil entailed “violence,” not terrorism, extremists, not terrorists… obviously his new foggy nemesis in this “overseas contingency operation.” While some denounced Obama’s speech as morally relativistic, the dialogue that he once thought possible turned out parsed, edited, and a one-sided echo hall of either generalities or offensive comparisons in order to even remain palatable to the audience. I see this pandering in such shameless cloying as Obama’s comparison between the Holocaust and the plight of Palestinians, or his attempt have his cake and eat it too by deploring the Iraq War yet begrudgingly acknowledging the world’s betterment with emergent democracy. Which is it? And will this score us points?

I used to watch Gumby as a kid (go figure) and in one particular episode, Gumby, Pokey, Prickle, and Goo all travel back in time to the Children’s Crusade to save the movement. It was in 1212 A.D. that some French peasant boy had a vision from God to travel, with an army of young followers, to re-conquer Jerusalem with peace and love. They boarded the ships of unscrupulous merchants who promised to give them free passage, but were shanghaied and later sold into slavery in Tunisia… I guess a deviated road to Damascus. Now as far as visions go, and profiles in personal courage, I tend to err on the side of warrior martyrs like Joan of Arc, rather than auto-eroticizing 2003 anti-war hippies who ran from the scaffold when Saddam placed their protests near missile targets.

To wit, the glowing 2008 youth movements may produce lots of flower children here, but the deep deserts aren’t exactly known for their florescence, and the warm tenor might be lost in translation. Supinely apologizing for America will not gain an inch in political capital, cultural understanding, or popular trust, but rather evidence vulnerability to a masculine culture that reviles weakness.

The memeshocks and marketing gimmicks of the “hope and change” campaign will not survive the assessments of hard desert clerics and true believers—namely the people that still put God above Obama, which suggests that I am in the same category as Muslim extremists. One could say the same thing for John the Baptist, Elijah, and other hermits throughout the Book of Kings.

A day in the life of a conservative in exile. >>

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