The Urban Legend

Somewhere in Kettering, Ohio in 1982 a loving mother gave birth to a talented, sharp, and wholesome child. She knew the moment that she looked into the baby's pure eyes in the dull candle light that she would cherish his blessed and high-destined life. From humble beginnings, this child would be great.

However… that is not the child in question.

Up the street that same night, lightning struck a telephone pole. This pole landed onto a gas tank and destroyed four blocks of residential zones. A medicine cabinet spilled into a kitchen and mixed Prozac with coffee beans, comic strips, and two pounds of beef jerky. This primordial soup spontaneously formed a child.

This child spent years addicted to video games, drinking too much pop, and failing out of the bulk of his classes until 4th grade. His fun hours were spent blowing up tree stumps (not much of a bibliophile in his formative years). After living in Springboro, Ohio for 10 years of his life, reading DC comics and listening to Weird Al tapes, he moved to Atlanta where he currently resides. This young man graduated from the University of Georgia with a dual degree in linguistics and business, more or less, passing with no honors. Currently, he works at a cubicle job and spends endless nights not sleeping and making up for it at the office. He is reputed to be single more than he is "with a chick." This is probably due in part to the fact that he hasn't yet learned that modern women don't like being referred to as "chicks." He is an avid reader and runner (as a byproduct of a lifelong caffeine addiction). Furthermore, he is a staunch believer in the Constitution, Christianity, and Capitalism. This clod has made it his mission to champion conservatism, love of country, and sophomoric jest at the expense of donkey cool-aid drinkers worldwide. This man is Drake Dunaway.

Facts: 168 lbs. Caucasian male at about 5'11." Missing a small chunk from his right ear. Fidgety from ADD and prone to ogle females under his Ray Bans. Speaks fluent Castilian Spanish but has renounced dating Latin women after learning that they are too sensitive for his Anglo-Germanic sarcasm and his abhorrence for dancing/clubbing. Drake sleeps on a stack of newspapers, prays on his knees, and cusses spasmodically. When Drake drinks, he drinks alone. Drake wears jeans, and never wears shorts. He is as hairy as a Visigoth.

• Favorite band: Led Zeppelin.
• Favorite drink: coffee, black.
• Favorite hobbies: reading, writing, cross-country, illustration, Spanish lit, and news.
• Deepest joy: angering liberals.
• Favorite president: toss-up between Reagan, Lincoln, and Teddy…
• Last meal: Thai beef.
• Heroes: Brock Samson, Weird Al, Ronald Reagan, Fox Mulder, and Dad.
• Goals: a sugar mamma.
• Favorite artist: Frank Frazetta.
• Religion: a carpenter from Galilee.
• Politics: The vast, right-wing conspiracy.

• Online Affiliations: Youtube.com, Facebook.com, & Wikipedia.com

MESSAGE FROM YOUR FEARLESS LEADER:

“Just so you know, I will not tolerate hateful speech on this site, and by "hateful" I mean what I arbitrarily deem as such. Such messages will be erased if and when I find them, so use your discretion. Like "Lawnmower Man," I rule this parsec of the virtual universe, and I don't have to explain my divine will.

However, you are encouraged to cut and paste my art and text and share it with as many folks as you see fit. Just cite your source. If you care to, you can reach me at dwdunaway@gmail.com and leave a message. Maybe I will reply. Oh, and please leave a tip in the PayPal Jar below. No money, no funny.”

Sincerest thanks,

-D >>